Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
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When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.