Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
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The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
meanwhile over on facebook
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.