A bad analogy is like a cucumber
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Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
This forever.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer