I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
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I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.