Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
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oh u like geography? name every lake
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
How to make infinite energy.