I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
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He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.