In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
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When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.