Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
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I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh