obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
You Might Also Like
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.