My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
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the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
My five year plan is a meteorite
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.