mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

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So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.


My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”


My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.


If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?


This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.


There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.


Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?


Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?