mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
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The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
The Onion called it…again.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.