@scootergonscoot

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

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@impaulmccoy

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

@LuvPug

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

@Firawesome

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

@Hormonella

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

@NottaBigDeal

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

@Shariv67

Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?

@mkat816

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?