Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP

“No”

WE WON’T ASK AGAIN

“No”

Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again

I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?