mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
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I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
*watches the world burn*
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business