Nomnomnomnom
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“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”