The Assassin.
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i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!