My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
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Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Sooo many times…..
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter