I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
You Might Also Like
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
me, too, girl. me, too.