I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
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You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Roses are red, you always mattered,
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.