If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
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If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
no!! no!!!!!!
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.