@KatieBurnett Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
@BarryVonAwesome If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
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@KatieBurnett 
@KimmyMonte Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
@DamonHunzeker I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
@Marlebean Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
@Reverend_Scott Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
@Reverend_Scott JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
@LuvPug I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
@SteveHofstetter Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
@ScottLinnen This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
@meantomyself My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese