@BarryVonAwesome

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

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@KatieBurnett

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

@KimmyMonte

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

@DamonHunzeker

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

@Marlebean

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.

@Reverend_Scott

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

@Reverend_Scott

JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.

LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.

JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.

@LuvPug

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

@SteveHofstetter

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

@ScottLinnen

This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.

SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL

@meantomyself

My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese