My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
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My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
North and South
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!