I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
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mathematically impossible
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
*serious situation*
My brain:
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
britain’s three elite institutions
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift