If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
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[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.