wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
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[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
the saddest jazz hands ever
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore