As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
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I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.