Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
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Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*