14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
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how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
*updates tinder bio*
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.