So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
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Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
TODAY
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?