“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
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[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
he was correct
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.