I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
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*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Geez man, take it easy.
Breaking news:
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.