*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
You Might Also Like
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
what day is it?
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Xylophonist Shredding It
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*