4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
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Breaking news:
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed