LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
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Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
(Gaming support cat.)
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.