Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
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Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
LMAO
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
My loaf of bread looks terrified
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Girl, same.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come