Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
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Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
*looks at clock*
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*lies back down*
Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Not all heroes wear capes.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?