Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it![]()
You Might Also Like
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
![]()
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt