Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
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Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
I love twitter
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.