*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
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[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Only Americans understand
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
This could be us but you eatin’
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.