[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
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I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Breaking news:
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.