The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
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I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
i can’t wait that long
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL