Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
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The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
checking out some reviews of my local library
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.