My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
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lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Siri: Retweet me.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.