Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
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I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Ah..makes sense now
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
WTF IS THAT!
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy