No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.![]()
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Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
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When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
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LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s![]()
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs