No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
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Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Natural selection at its finest
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.