They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
You Might Also Like
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo