Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
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I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.