The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
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Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Put the is in disheveled
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
There’s only one good girl here!