The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
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Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
Just so funny
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
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I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground