Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
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Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
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I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
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[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
We’ve come full circle
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