Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
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wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.