microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
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Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar