HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
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*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
this FaceApp is creepy af
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Scream sneezers need love too.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me