[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
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Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA