it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
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Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.