Confused owl: What?!
You Might Also Like
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
scenes of unspeakable carnage
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Perfect
This could be us… but you playing
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!