me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
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Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Is this a threat?
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing