The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
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My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
58.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I wish I were this cool 😂